#25: Yes, Virginia, there is a Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve

but that heist is old news so we're not going to talk about it

Actual updates

My notes for this section just said ??? what is happening and I feel that pretty much encompasses it.

Okay, so, maybe it doesn’t. Well, Christmas happened, and it was the usual adventure in adding too many toys to our house; I feel like the biggest grinch saying it but I am not, first of all, wrong - we’ve got to get rid of the stuff that is now no longer used or is marginally used, just to physically make room for new stuff. And second of all, while everything went over huge with Hap and he’s playing with and loving all of it, he wouldn’t have known or missed it if he had gotten less. I’m fairly nervous about turning into the kind of family that always has to outdo the previous year; that kind of escalation is simply not realistic.

But a couple things did happen that did warm my grinchy little heart for a minute. First of all, the long-awaited return of documents from Hap’s US passport application; that means I now have those documents again so that I can make copies of them and send them out to the Canadian citizenship authorities and finally get the last pieces in motion. Now, by “in motion,” I mean in motion for a process that will take months, maybe more, but the part of it that I do will be done and the rest will be waiting. LATE UPDATE: I finally finished Hap’s Canadian citizenship certificate paperwork but not without my card being declined for fraudulent use as I tried to pay the fees at the very end! Then the bank called Matt’s phone rather than mine to check whether that was a legitimate purchase. How do I know multiple people who have moved countries? Is this amount of trouble and hassle unique to me, and everyone else just breezes through it?

The second thing is that I took a day off the other week. A real day off, not one that work was closed or the usual end-of-year slowdown where we all schedule which days we’ll each cover. The day off I took had a stated goal of finishing my Christmas shopping, and I accomplished that mission, but the goal was also to go and sit down, at the end of my rounds, at Bone Up, and sit at the bar and get to have conversations with the bartenders (and, if I was lucky¹, the owners), which I never get to do when we go as a family since I’m always on parent duty. Oh, and also to go pick up a toy car Hap had left there. But the part where I got to have a quiet drink on my own and have friendly conversations with adults - well, it kind of backfired, in that no one I knew was working that particular day, but the fact that I was given that chance at all was the present that really mattered.

That said, I thought I was going to have a day off (the “work is closed but preschool is open” kind) on Monday, and now it looks like I will not - for the second time in a year, Covid considerations have struck my day off from the books. We’re not sick, but, at 3:50pm on Dec. 31, the Friday before the New Year’s weekend, we got a message from school updating their previous “getting a test before returning to school is probably a good idea” messaging to “children MUST have a negative test to return to school.” There’s nothing wrong with this! It’s a good idea! But the timing was impossible: there are no appointments, there are no tests, we’ve got some on order already but they won’t be here for another few days, and you can’t even get ahold of most places until at least Sunday (if they’re open Sundays). Every place that is open has restrictions; maybe they don’t test kids under 5, or they don’t test unsymptomatic people, or you have to have a telemedicine appointment with one of their doctors first (which we thought was fine but their Massachusetts locations closed their bookings at 4pm, so we couldn’t get one anyway). We’ve been incredibly lucky, after trying again this morning, to bag an appointment at 5:45pm today (1/1). But there’s no way the results from that will be in by Monday morning, so school’s out for Hap until the results are in. So I’m on the job! Why does this only happen on days I had off?

Okay. Back to high notes. We’re having a warm (for Boston) and rainy Christmastime; we’re having Vancouver’s Christmas and they’re having ours - it was freezing and snowy there. I’m such a lousy little homer that I stepped out of the office the other day when it was twilight and drizzling lightly, temperature in the, what, low 40s? And I sighed and said “It’s so beautiful!” And it was. Every branch is beaded with drops. Everything has moss on it - and the moss is still alive and verdant. The miserable dryness is receding from my hands. I know we haven’t got long for this - Monday’s high is below freezing² - but I’m enjoying it while I can.

Some links

Why are jeans so hard to find a good pair of? Does everyone have this problem? I feel like people who buy men’s sizes do not, but I’m not sure whether that has to do with the different cuts of those pants or the different attitudes towards pants by the people who wear and make them. That Time I Bought 50 Pairs of Jeans. For Science

Interesting, about the way technology affects what is considered a “good” photo. It touches briefly on how color film was calibrated specifically to make white people look good, which you may already be aware of but if not, give it a read. Say Cheese! How Bad Photography Has Changed Our Definition of Good Pictures

Speaking of technology vs how we consume media: Here's Why Movie Dialogue Has Gotten More Difficult To Understand (And Three Ways To Fix It)

I assume you’ve already read Renay Mandel Cohen’s obituary, but if you haven’t, allow me to help you remedy that.

For a completely different grandmother: how about a groundbreaking nuclear physicist? Discovering Dr. Wu

Restaurants were a mistake, or at least this restaurant was a mistake. The people in charge of it were definitely a mistake. Bros., Lecce: We Eat at The Worst Michelin Starred Restaurant, Ever

Okay, so this is bananas, and people are clearly desperate to believe anything that might help them, but after I read this article, I started getting ads for a coffee-substitute(?? or coffee-adjacent beverage?), called MUDWTR. Not sure if it’s related, but if so WHAT a bold choice by whoever’s doing their marketing. “Oh you read an article about a bonkers mud-consuming MLM? Sounds like you will definitely want to get in on that mud action!! Mmmm, try our coffee!” “Magic Dirt”: How the Internet Fuelled, and Defeated, the Pandemic’s Weirdest MLM

Today in “Title says it all”: A Dancing Cactus Toy that Raps in Polish about Cocaine Withdrawal Has Been Pulled from Sale

I want to be very clear that this is NOT a list of medical symptoms. I tend not to include articles about Covid facts, because I’m sure you’ve already all read them, and because maybe you would like to be not bummed out (or at least not be bummed out about that) for a few minutes. I included this post because it’s beautiful. And because it made me swear in self-recognition at, well, most of it, but especially the part about finally doing everything right and not being late or clumsy. Here are the Covid Symptoms for Omicron, the New Variant, According to Scientific Experts

This is actually a sandcrawler, right? (But also: we live in a world where this was necessary! And there are people who aren’t depressed!!) Scientists are Building a “Black Box” to Record the End of Civilization

Toaster science! Why a Toaster from 1949 is Still Smarter than Any Sold Today

Why do we keep prioritizing the dumbest parts of the future? Like, this is definitely in every future-set piece of fiction, but why are we doing it first? For that matter, why are we doing it at all? Who’s going out to clubs? Oh god don’t answer that. Clubbers Choose Chip Implants to Jump Queues

Okay, this is better and more interesting. This is a bit clickbaity; the water is under the surface and in the form of ice, but it’s still amazing! “Significant Amounts” of Water Found in Mars’ Massive Version of the Grand Canyon

ART BREAK! I can tell you with 100% certainty that I’m going to have several of these pieces in mind when writing (lol, look at me acting like I’m going to get back to writing) or when making stuff up for D&D campaigns. Joe Mortell, the 3D Artist Crafting Surreal Spaces You’ll Want to Inhabit

Okay, art break is over, back to unrelieved horror! Get ready to learn about “phossy jaw,” which is a cute little name for a nightmarish disfiguring disease! Thanks again capitalism! Meet the Matchstick Women - the Hidden Victims of the Industrial Revolution

Komodo dragons! I love them because 1. they’re from Indonesia and I learned about them when I lived there, 2. they’re called “dragons” with absolutely no level of chill, despite everyone being well aware that they are not, and 3. they can live 100 years! Six Endangered Komodo Dragon Hatchlings Join the Bronx Zoo Family

Well this seems bad!! Or… good? I can’t tell anymore! Coastal Species are Forming Colonies on Plastic Trash in the Ocean, Study Finds

That’s two. Canada has, of course, the famed Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve, and that got robbed a few years back, and now someone’s stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of butter? What is the state of the pancake they’re making? Police Look for Leads in Christmas Butter Heist in Trenton, ON

What am I Reading

I am just about to finish Lady Almina and the Real Downton Abbey, which is about Highclere Castle (which was the house that was used for Downton Abbey in the show) and the woman who was evidently the inspiration for several of the storylines. She was the Countess of Carnarvon - her husband was the 5th Earl, and if his name is familiar it’s because he was one of the guys who opened Tutankhamen’s tomb - and she had a pretty interesting life herself.

The book is by the current Countess of Carnarvon; interestingly, while her actual name is listed on the back, the cover and the spine have “The Countess of Carnarvon” as the author name. That’s going to become incorrect eventually, I have to think! Why wouldn’t she have her real name on there? But of course since she lives in the house or at least owns it, she has a lot of thoughts about the house itself, its history, and painting the staff of the day in the absolute rosiest, part-of-the-family-est way. As long as you go in with that firmly in mind, it’s a decent yarn about rich people having dramatic lives. “Rich people having dramatic lives” also describes the show, which I absolutely watched the heck out of at least twice AND got Matt hooked on. I can have no use for these guys as a class and simultaneously enjoy watching getting into Situations (especially in gorgeously appointed rooms while wearing Outfits), I contain multitudes.

But the show is fiction, or at least fictionalized (if you’ve seen the show and read this book, some of the stories of Lady Almina’s life will sound very familiar), and this was real people throwing their very real money around like there was no tomorrow, and real people getting killed in the war, and real people really digging up the antiquities of another country because colonialism is a hell of a drug. The book is gently chiding of Lady Almina’s spendthrift ways, does quite a good job with the First World War section (I’d bet money that this book spends more time covering the meat grinder that was Passchendaele than your regular US high school textbook), and is a letdown in the Egypt section. This last shouldn’t have been a letdown, I suppose - it’s written by someone for whom all the stuff the Earl of Carnarvon looted is part of her inheritance and family history now - I should have expected the extremely positive spin on everything. The Egyptian government taking over all digs and wanting control of the findings is positioned as a roadblock to the Earl’s life’s passion, not a country having the right to its own history.

If you know what to expect in that regard and in the “working here was frankly a delight and a joy for the staff!” regard, though, and if you also like tales of fancy people’s unfathomable lives, you may still have a good time reading this book - it does have plenty of photos, so, you know, sumptuous houses, giant hats, dress sleeves the size of a modest family sedan, the whole bit. Oh, also nearly everyone in it is named Porchy, and T.E. Lawrence is in it because why wouldn’t he be.

Tunes I’ve been listening to lately

Matt made a 9-hour playlist for our sister-in-law as a Christmas present, and I’ve been listening my way through it as well (I tacked on a couple hours of my own stuff at the end), so this month’s tunes department is going to be heavy to the content of that playlist, starting with this one. He rifled through his cds, picked a good song from each one (or many, anyway - they can’t all be winners), and dropped them in in no particular order. I cannot fathom making a playlist without putting a bunch of time into ordering the songs, but he pointed out sensibly that he expects it to be played on random anyway. Do you play a playlist that someone else made in order or do you randomize it?

It’s the “oh lord!”s for me in this one. And the line where the music stops - you’ll know the one.

The Goonies theme sample in here is so soaring and triumphant! The chorus will take up residence in your head! The framing device of a millenial ex-tough-guy trying to explain his youthful activities to his nephew as, basically, the Goonies in real life is delightful! It’s a rare departure from extreme seriousness for Immortal Technique but that’s what makes it special.

This month’s top 5: books I read in 2021 that stuck with me

1. Green Glass Ghosts by Rae Spoon³. It’s a heavily autobiographical queer family-finding tale, where the protagonist leaves Calgary and their abusive family for Vancouver and a fresh start, but the wrinkle is that everyone, even the aforementioned abusive family members, is given they/them pronouns. There’s one “he” in the whole book and I’m pretty sure that slipped through by accident. It’s an incredibly interesting way to approach a story: gender simply does not pertain. Not just among the circle of characters around the protagonist, who might reasonably be assumed to be what our current conception of nonbinary is, but also everyone. Every person is freed from the assumption of gender. It is not at all a factor in who they are as a person. Their physical bodies have differences and sometimes those are noted, but that doesn’t imply or change anything.

2. We Do This Til We Free Us by Mariame Kaba. Essential abolitionist reading. If you’re not familiar with her name, she’s apparently very reticent about using it; but you may know her better as @prisonculture on Twitter or the blog of the same name. Anyway, read it. Especially read it if you’re thinking “but surely nobody means actually getting rid of prisons and policing, right? Just training more and funding less?” No. Really for real finding another way to ensure that people who are harmed receive justice and people who perpetrate harm get help and won’t cause that harm again.

3. Crowded by Christopher Sebela. Comics, baby!! They count and they deserve rights! This one’s about a near-future America where everything is part of the gig economy and reality tv, including murder-for-hire! The protagonist, Charlie, suddenly finds herself the high dollar campaign on an assassination app, so EVERYONE is out to get her so as to get a huge payout. She hires Vita from a bodyguard app, and now the two are trying to keep both of themselves alive. It’s also: very gay! There’s a whole strip club called Bifurious⁴! You can already guess the color scheme! So you can get a bit of will-they-won’t-they for both making out and getting killed. The second volume is sitting in my to-read pile and I’m looking forward to it, but it’s beneath at least one Neal Stephenson tome so who knows when I’ll get to it. Maybe this year!

4. ¡Hola Papi! by JP Brammer. It’s autobiographical vignettes framed by the advice columns he writes, and it’s beautiful - which you already know if you’ve already read any of his stuff (I’ve posted links! I’m just sayin’!). It is of course also very gay; its subtitle is “How to Come Out in a Walmart Parking Lot and Other Life Lessons,” but that should not be surprising considering the state of this list. Anyway, this is wonderfully written and you will probably cry.

5. I have no idea which other books I got a lot out of in 2021, because every time I think of one, I work out that I read it before 2021 began. Also, I tried to peruse Matt’s bookshelves to see which of his books I recalled reading this year, but I couldn’t be sure about anything. I’m sure I read other good ones! Did we talk about one, you and me? We might have done! If we did, feel free to mentally slot it into the list here. It’s been 2 years so far that have just blended into each other and no end in sight, so my brain has retired the part of it that is supposed to differentiate time.

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Well, stay safe out there; if possible, stay safe not out there, because out there is starting to seem a little too early-2020 for my liking. We just got a report of a positive case in the preschool classroom. If only we could get it together as a nation, pay people to stay home, and send out free masks and tests… but we’ve been singing this same song for 2 years now and it hasn’t changed. And that’s called starting the new year on a positive note!!

1. I wasn’t.

2. It is now Monday and I can confirm it sucks.

3. a musician I’ve been a fan of for 20+ years who also recently battled cancer and further medical problems

4. a genius idea tbh. Hot babes of every variety!